Thursday, October 14, 2010

My Gourmet Life

I have tried to maintain this blog as I would a business. Strictly to the point of food with snippits of commentary about my life to “spice” it up. My readers come for the food, not for me but my personality and life flavor my food. If you have been a follower for long, you can detect a pattern but may not know what is triggering the recipes. I’ve been very honest about my recent trial with food allergies and the less flavorful and more natural recipes reflect that as I tried to reset my body and figure out what the allergy triggers were.

(Now here is where I come clean.) What you may not have known, is that last fall when I was posting so much and really focused on my blog, what was going on. I love this blog but I don’t try new recipes ALL the time or cook hearty comfort foods EVERY DAY. I’m a busy person (as evidenced by the lack of posts every summer when my garden, pool and yard are in full swing on top of a full time job). I don’t have time to cook, photograph and experiment EVERY night. Last fall however, was full of colorful posts, new recipes, and rich comfort foods. Last fall, after 2 ½ years of Infertility and drugs, we lost our first child via a very emotionally traumatic and physically painful miscarriage. I threw myself into this blog with a passion to escape myself.

I’m not sorry I did so. It was therapy for me. Cooking is therapy. Depending on what kind of emotional state I am in depends on what I make. If I’m focusing on being a better me, the recipes go healthy, natural. If I need comforting they go hearty and rich. If I’m crunching a budget, they reflect that too. If I’m happy, I bake. I’m a southern gal and our kitchens are the heart of the home. We spend our lives there out of responsibility but also out of love.

I used to think that I had to be a perfect hostess and wife. I was raised with the values of home coming first and a happy family revolved around great food. Holidays revolved around family coming together over great food. I had to maintain a spotless house, cook everything, bake like a professional, decorate to the 9’s. I have pushed myself over the years to achieve perfection in my home. For what? A family I don’t have. It becomes not so important when you are only cooking for the two of you. Especially when you’re married to one of the most Non-foodie people you will ever meet. A can of cold Chef Boy R Dee is fine with my husband, but I want my family to have more than that.

I have reprioritized. I will always be a cook. It is who I am. I love it, but I’ve realized that I don’t have to be perfect or do it all. I can throw a party and delegate dishes (or the whole darn thing, hello catering), I can release myself of the responsibility of doing it all. And if by chance, a partier finds that one illusive dust bunny that escaped me, so be it. Dust happens.

I’m trying to find my balance. I love to blog. I have a million ideas in my head for posts, projects, etc for this blog. I love to share my recipes as much as I love making them. I just need to find my voice and relate more to my blog with my life than being a food reporter. This isn’t a business, this is my love of food and all things to do with it, not just recipes.

So my dear readers, my original intention of this blog was food. It worked for me for years as that is where I was in my life. I new wife, a new home owner, a new everything in my own kitchen for the first time armed with only the skills I learned at the elbows of my mother and grandmother (and they were great skills-I was well armed). I have a passion for cooking and gardening and I showcased that here, but I also have a passion for family, those suffering from infertility, and other aspects of my life. I’ve kept them separate (on separate blogs and never the two shall meet) but I’m not sure that I should anymore.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from here to be honest. I don’t know if I will maintain the two or if I will combine them here or there or somewhere completely new. I’m not sure how open I’m ready to be to readers who came for the food or how receptive my readers of my most intimate yearnings will be of food recipes. I don’t want to keep up a farce of maintaining a food blog when my focus isn’t necessarily here but I also see myself returning to food again and again so its not really a farce. Holidays are coming up, I’m going to be in the kitchen a lot. In the future, I will want to share my experiments with homemade baby food when the time comes (because it will.) I still want to try out a food related project to share with you. I just have to figure out the timeline, the how, and do it. I’m not saying good bye. I’m just saying, “hello” from the real gardener, the real gourmet, the person behind the words that puts the love into the food.

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